Third Annual Miserable Bastards Convention
by Amaryllis3121
Summary: A three-way crossover between Blackadder, Black Books and Fawlty Towers. What happens when three miserable bastards meet? You don't have to be a fan of all three to read it. Rated T because the content matches that of the shows'  hopefully .
1. Chapter 1

_Okay guys, this is it. I've done it again. I've meddled with something- three somethings in fact- that are simply too amazing for me to meddle with. But meddle I have._

_Basically, this is a three-way crossover- Blackadder, Black Books and Fawlty Towers. Just to give you an idea, I'm saying Fawlty Towers is modern-day for the sake of this fic, Black Books remains in the same time period, but a few years on and nothing has changed. Blackadder is the Blackadder from Back and Forth's cousin, Baldric's that Baldric's cousin etc._

_Okay, on with the fic!_

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Edmund Blackadder leant back in his chair, attempting to read the newspaper, but Baldric, his worthless dogsbody, was clattering about in the kitchen and distracting him. Eventually, the noise became too much to bear.

"Baldric!" Edmund called. Baldric popped his head around the door.

"Yes, Mr. B?" he asked, irritatingly cheerful.

"What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm trying to find a bottle of nail varnish."

"Why?" the word was out of Edmund's mouth before he could stop it.

"Because I've already found the duct tape."

Edmund folder the paper up, resigned to the fact he probably wouldn't get the chance to read any further until Baldric had gone to bed.

"No, I mean, moron, what for?"

"Well it's a sort of-"

"Cunning plan?"

"Yes, sir. How did you guess?"

"Just a nagging suspicion." As Edmund spoke the doorbell rang. Inwardly he groaned. "Answer that will you? It'll be Captain Pea-Brain and his miserable friend. You know Baldric, I need a holiday."

Baldric left the room and returned a few moments later with, as Edmund predicted, George and the man Edmund despised, Kevin Darling.

"Good morning Edmund!" George cried cheerily. Was everyone in the whole damn world cheerful but him? No, Darling was sporting a positively miserable look. Perhaps it was visiting him? That thought gave him some kind of savage pleasure.

"Hello George." Edmund greeted with a poorly-concealed sigh. "Darling," he nodded in acknowledgement of the man and resisted the urge to smirk when he saw his eye twitch.

"Blackadder." Darling responded frostily.

"I say, Edmund, I've got splendid news!" George burst out, clearly unable to contain himself.

"I doubt it," Edmund muttered to himself. George ignored him.

"We're all going to Torquay this week!" he announced proudly, rummaging in his pockets. He emerged with a piece of paper and waved it in Edmund's face. Edmund snatched it from him and read it through. It was a voucher.

"Let me get this straight. You expect me to waste my valuable time in Torquay… with you?"

"Yes." George nodded, oblivious to Edmund's derisive tone.

"Alright, I'm going to phrase this in a way even you can understand," Edmund handed the piece of paper back to George. "No."

"Oh come on Edmund. It'll be a lark. Us four, the lads."

Edmund's eyes lit up. He had found a way out.

"Well I'm terribly sorry to disappoint you George, but the voucher only offers free accommodation for three of us. I am more than happy for you to take Baldric on your doomed trip, however I can't afford to pay my way."

"Actually Blackadder I'm staying with my cousin, Percy." Darling piped up, not bothering to hide his satisfied smirk. "So there'll be more than enough room for you to come on the trip."

Edmund shot him a glare of pure hate that only served to widen his smug smile.

"Oh goodie," he sighed. "If you'll excuse me, I've just got to go and slit my wrists. Baldric, fetch a knife. A sharp one if you please, I've no desire to fool about."

"Come on, Mr. B," Baldric started, "You just said you needed a holiday."

"Baldric, I'd sooner insert an abnormally large cactus up my bottom than go on holiday with you."

"So that's settled." George said happily. "I'll go and pack then. Hip-hip hooray!"

And with that, George left, Darling in tow. Edmund stared after them.

"Bloody marvellous," he grumbled, sitting back in his seat and picking the newspaper up once more.

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_There you have it. Blackadder from my mind. Sorry if it's crap, but I'm not that good at writing comedy._

_Next up is Black Books, hope you enjoy._

_Oh, and should I have Percy as a character or just a passing mention? I'm leaning towards making him a character, but I don't know._

_Please review :)__._


	2. Chapter 2

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Hope you enjoy this chapter. Black Books time :). And thank you to my reviewer! Your comments are much appreciated :).

As George would say, tally-ho!

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Bernard Black stumbled down the stairs, clutching his head.

"Manny!" he called from the bottom of the stairs. "Manny! Man- Oh!" he stumbled back slightly as he turned and found Manny just inches away from him. "Don't sneak up on me! Where's the aspirin?"

"We haven't got any." Manny sniffed, tone sulky.

"What?" Bernard demanded, sitting at the dining table.

"I said we're out. I was going to do the shopping last night, before you threw that potato at me."

"Oh yes." Bernard mumbled.

"I told you I didn't want to join in. I spent all night washing potato out of my beard. And there's nothing to eat tonight now. All the shops shut on a Sunday."

"Bernard? What's all this shouting?" Fran's voice floated from the shop.

"Jesus. Who let her in?" Bernard asked, half-ducking under the table. Not only was he hung over, but he was sporting a nasty bruise on the side of his head from where Fran had ignored the rules of a potato fight and thrown a rather large rock at him instead. Admittedly it had been an easy mistake to make- Manny had created a sort of Zen garden on the kitchen side, and a few of the rocks could be confused with potatoes to the very drunken mind.

"I've got some great news." Fran said proudly, bursting through the curtain that separated the living quarters from the bookshop. "Why are you under the table?"

Bernard straightened up and flattened his hair slightly. "It doesn't matter. Go on."

"Do you remember what I was saying last night?"

"No."

"About the holiday?"

"Oh no! We're not going away again. No. Absolutely not."

"Manny, you remember don't you?"

"Yeah. You agreed Bernard. You said it was a good idea."

"I did nothing of the sort!"

Fran sighed impatiently. "Anyway, I found this in a magazine. It's a voucher. For a hotel in Torquay."

Bernard reached up and snatched the paper she was holding off her.

"Is this it?" he asked rudely, making to rip it in two, but Fran took it back before he could.

"We wont have to pay a penny. It offers free bed and breakfast for three."

Manny rushed forward eagerly. "It sounds great! I'll go and pack shall I?"

"Yes." Fran said firmly.

"No!" Bernard insisted at the same time. "I'm not going." he took the voucher back and shoved it into his mouth. He began to chew.

"Bernard!" Fran cried indignantly.

"Ha." he mumbled through a mouthful of paper. "Now you'll have to pay. And you wont because you're as broke as the rest of us."

"It's all right." she said complacently. "That was just an old business card. The voucher's here." she held it up happily. Bernard spat out the card disgustedly.

"Fine then. We'll go. But when the holiday's a miserable disaster don't come moaning to me about it- I'll be killing myself the moment we arrive. Sooner, if I can find something sharp enough."

With that, Bernard stormed off in search of some wine.

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_Hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know!_

_Up next… Fawlty Towers!_


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